H.A.L.T. who goes there?!

Last week, my boyfriend and I almost got into an argument *inserts shocked eyes emoji*. For those of you who don't see the big deal, let me provide some context: We haven't argued in over a year. And within that year, we've only almost argued ONE other time.


"Why," you ask? Well, we decided that we don't have time for that. That we only have time for loving. For encouraging. For inspiring. For supplicating. For supporting. For uncovering.


Uncovering??


That's right...uncovering. Outwitting the enemy. Blaming him for conflict instead of one another. Recognizing potential footholds that could give him access to our relationship and eliminating them(Ephesians 4:27).


See we know he hates us. We know he's looking for a way to penetrate our force field. And that's why "almost argued" is as much as he'll get out of us. Because we're on guard. And here's how you can be too:

I learned the acronym "H.A.L.T." about a year ago when I was seeing a counselor in hopes of addressing some issues from my past. "H," he said, "is for hungry. A, for angry. L, for lonely. T, for tired. If you become any of the four, your personality will shift." "Brilliant!," I thought, "another way to beat the enemy at his game." Essentially a cheat code. A way to test attitude against character, holding one (or a combination) of these four culprits responsible for causing you to act outside of yourself.

By being aware of - and preparing for - the power of hunger, anger, loneliness, and fatigue, you can bamboozle satan. Your arguments too can be reduced to "almost arguments" - to moments of "Hold up Bae, we're not really going to do this are we?" To reminders to call forth the God in one another because well...you're too good to argue. To opportunities to - aware of the enemy's attempt to drive a wedge between you and your Boo - look your partner in the eye, hold hands, and sneer at the enemy, because you peeped his attempt and respect his effort, but ain't havin' it.

Our "almost argument" didn't become anything more because we were quickly able to pull out "H.A.L.T." and use it as a tool to recognize that - because it was three in the morning - we were tired and attitudinal. After that came the I love you's and peace was yet again restored.

Having overcome the power of misplaced conflict (we realize our battle is NEVER with one another and ALWAYS with satan), we want to offer H.A.L.T. as a gift to you. Because if we ain't got time fuh ' arguing, you don't either!

Achieving Relational Stability - Part I

Sometimes women talk too much. And when we start talking (too much), we start divulging too much. And when we start divulging (too much) because we talk (too much), listeners get TOO involved in our business. But is it really our business anymore after we've shared it with an audience of eager ears?

Being in a relationship has shown me how valuable silence is. When my Soulmate and I initially began to embark upon a serious commitment, silence meant praying and seeking to understand him instead of being reactive (and always wrong, smh), but as time grew and our bond became stronger, I learned how necessary silence in the regard of preserving our exclusivity was. I learned that while it was perfectly fine for me to have close friends, it wasn't okay for those friends to be so close that my relationships with them disrespected the boundaries of my relationship with him.

Brunch, dinner dates, and drinks at the bar were fine, but what wasn't fine was when the highlight of those events was me "telling all" about my relationship. I figured certainly there must be other - more general, less potentially destructive - topics to discuss?! So, me and him became taboo unless it was for the sake of providing some sort of inspiration. Of course such a drastic change made for unhappy "friends," but instead of allowing the emotional manipulation of their anger taunt me into going back on my decision, I kept pressing forward, realizing that those who minded likely never had good intentions anyway.

Shutting my mouth did wonders for my relationship! Not only was I no longer concerned about whether or not me telling "G" something meant "M, B, and P" would also know, I also only had God and my partner to depend on for troubleshooting within our relationship. This increased my communication with them both and actually incited real solutions! We'd gotten our three-strand cord (Ecclesiastes 4:12) and were more stable than we'd ever been before.

Scoring for the Right Team

As imperfect (human) lovers, it's easy for us to become caught up in the logistics of love - especially at early, immature, or fragile points in our relationship. By 'logistics,' I mean things that really don't matter at the end of the day, yet seem so pressing in the moment (i.e. who contacts who first, how long a text back takes, tissue paper that needs to be replaced, a flirty cashier, etc, etc, etc). When you think about it, you have to admit - the power we afford childish things is utterly ridiculous. I opine that we give so much attention to the trivial because we fail to realize that each moment spent out of sync with our partner is a moment that we are in collaboration with the devil for the demise of our relationship.


I can picture your face...I know what you're thinking - "It's not THAT serious."


But yes, yes it is.


Here's why:
The devil HATES you.
He also HATES your partner.
So imagine how much he hates the two of you TOGETHER.


'What did we ever do to him?' you wonder.
Well, that's an easy question to answer...EXIST.


The Bible is full of spousal imagery, representing God's covenant relationship with His people. Because He desires to be intimate with each of us, our intimate relationships with one another represent the Gospel. Satan HATES the Gospel. So, because your relationship represents the Gospel, he automatically hates your relationship.


When you allow him to disrupt the unity between you and your Lover - because yes, all of those times you well up in anger because you get a short response when you wanted a long one are the devil - you join his team. Joining his team means scoring on his behalf. And scoring while on his team means HE WINS.


Today's assignment is hard...but simple. Hard because it requires you to be honest with yourself. Simple because the only person keeping you from doing that is you. So, here goes:

• Be attentive to your actions over the next two days. Make note (with pen and paper) of each time you either do or almost do allow something to come in between you and your mate. Beside each incident, document your answer to the following two questions:
• What was the root cause (or potential root cause) of the dissension?, and
• How could you have been better understanding? (i.e. considering that Peter rushed off the phone because he was running late to a meeting, not because he doesn't want to talk to me).
• Pray! - for God to help you gain the strength to prevent yourself from acting irrationally, radically, and in detriment.

**Here's a little secret I've learned: when I don't take things personally and react as if my partner's actions (or lack thereof) are direct attacks to me, I ALWAYS find out that they weren't**

Learning to shut up is vital!

Without Love

Nothing in this world can function properly without the warmth and tenderness of love. We need it to survive. The problem arises when rather than admitting it's necessity and emitting it to others, we become needy for it, in turn committing idolatry by placing it above GOD. Though you need love and in essence, love does define you, understand that your worth is never determined by how much of it you receive, rather by how much you give. Think about some of the happiest people you know. They aren't always married, they don't always have a lot of friends, and they may not even be all that successful--but they're loving. This shows that love isn't something circumstantial, it's something that you should intertwine into your daily life no matter what your relationship, friendship, or achievement statuses are. Love the person at the grocery store who has an attitude, love the family member who always starts drama, love the people who lied to you, stabbed you in your back, and called you everything but a child of GOD. This assignment is not a free pass to be stupid, nor a charge to chase people who don't want your love, it's a mandate to offer sincerity whenever the opportunity arises. Without love, you're destined for a miserable life, but contrarily, living a life in which you're committed to yielding it in everything you do will set you up for happiness, healthiness, and peace.

A Woman, in a Relationship

(Disclaimer - Though I am a successful career woman who is more than capable of functioning independently, I UNAPOLOGETICALLY have traditional, Bible-based views on relationships. They aren’t up for debate. ‪#‎sorrynotsorry‬)

As I was reviewing Proverbs 31, God gave me this revelation to share with women:

“As a woman, who you are in your relationship is DESTINED to be vastly different from who your man is. Instead of overanalyzing, rejecting, or comparing your womanly instincts to his manly instincts, OWN them, for they are the true essence of womanhood! And permitting yourself to be a woman is the ONLY way you will feel free and happy, and the only way your relationship will function from the place of divine wholeness that I have ordained it to.

For example, WELL in advance, you will discern needs that he will not realize until they actually become needs. *see verse 15 – ‘She gets up while it is still night and provides food for her family.’”

For the purpose of this post, “family” means partner.

God shows us here that the Proverbs 31 woman begins the process of preparing food for her partner before he even becomes hungry. What would happen had she been insecure about her instincts or spiteful (“He doesn’t wake up early to cook me food, so *insert expletive* him”) and opted instead to ignore her foresight and wait until her partner verbally expressed hunger to begin preparing food? –


First, she’d have been faced with the choice to 1) admit her fault or 2) lie about why she hadn’t prepared. The repercussions of lying are self-explanatory – Ephesians 4:27 says “Do not give the devil a foothold (opportunity to work);” go ahead and introduce lying into your relationship if you want to…


After her initial choice, one of the following scenarios would unfold:


1) She would need to ask her partner to wait for her to thoroughly prepare a meal for him. Prolonged hunger would likely lead to attitudes and arguments – all of which could have been avoided.


2) She would need to rush to “throw something together” to make up for her failure to be obedient to her God-given instincts. Her partner would thus “enjoy” a meal of poor nutritional value & quality, versus the one she could have allotted time to purchase ingredients for, clean, marinate, & season (if applicable), and slow-cook to preserve richness, flavor, and aesthetic appeal.


3) Her partner will have to find his own food though he’d depended on her to. This could open the door for frustration and tension; after all, relationships are partnerships and no one wants a partner they can’t depend on to uphold their end of the bargain.


With all that said – three things: 1) This is bigger than food and should be applied to other areas of life and love. 2) Even women who prepare get sick or have bad days. Obviously you can only do your best; sick and sad best look way different from healthy and happy best. 3) APPRECIATION & RECIPROCATION ARE EVERYTHING, so don’t use what I’ve said as an excuse to allow someone to mistreat you by placing unreasonable demands on you or to be with someone who doesn’t do what he should yet expects you to. ‘Das dead. My only aim here was to paint the picture that men and women are created differently for a reason – because God knew when he created us that partnership would only be effective when each member was equipped with different strengths and convictions. Everyone is able to love better and more when they’re allowed to love in their own love language, so fully embrace your love and womanhood and allow your partner to fully embrace his love and manhood, knowing that he will NEVER EVER EVER --no matter how kindred you two are-- be like you because he is not a woman.


In conclusion, I encourage you to refer to Proverbs 31 so that God can give you revelation of your own.

#BeNiceFirst

I heard a girl & a guy arguing.

"Women aren't sweet anymore," he said.
"Men aren't kind either!" she retorted.

So, I chimed in: "No, PEOPLE aren't nice FIRST anymore."

...your prospect of having a good relationship will go south the day you decide to make your partner earn your softheartedness. If we all wait on the other person to be benevolent before we do, who ever will? Moral of the story: ‪#‎BeNiceFirst‬, it will change the ENTIRE trajectory of your relationship by inspiring your partner to do the same!

Being a responsible lover means setting a standard for compassion between you and your partner by vowing to each love the other more than either of you deserve, NO MATTER WHAT! Instead of counting faults and staking silent treatments, aspire to uphold a 1 Peter 4:8 love - one that "covers a multitude of sins." Doing so will prove that you're wise and understand the imperativeness of being "on one accord," a phrase used 11 times in the Book of Acts; the first time being during the Upper Room Prayer Meeting after Jesus ascended into Heaven.


It means "same mind" and speaks of people not necessarily feeling or thinking the same way about everything, but setting aside pride & individual agenda in order to commit themselves to one task. Had the disciples failed to exercise unity, the coming of the Holy Spirit wouldn't have been able to occur. That alone shows us how important togetherness is!


And if that's not enough to convince you, let's look at John 17:21: (Christ is praying) "I pray that they all may be one...that the world may believe that You sent Me." Wowww! What a responsibility we have as Believers?! - to maintain unity not just for the sake of avoiding the dramas of discord, but to prove to the world that Jesus came from Heaven to earth!


Any two selfish, mean-spirited, tic-for-tac oriented people can have a relationship...(I mean, it won't be a very good one, but the point is that it can exist)...but a relationship that is also a union AFFIRMS & PROMOTES the ministry of Christ!


How could anyone not want that?!?!

Intro/A Preemptive War

preemptive: (adjective) - intended to forestall or prevent attack by disabling the enemy.

Love is a preemptive war...and I want to help you fight it.

I want to help you and your partner (whether he's known or unknown) overcome the enemy by aiding you in:

1. recognizing his patterns,
2. predicting his next moves, and
3. erecting a bulletproof spiritual fortress that will protect your relationship from his attacks.

I tell people all the time - maintaining a good relationship isn't hard, but it does take a serious commitment to spiritual work. The comfort that comes from being with someone who embodies love can often be dangerous...because it can cause you two to forget that bad times exist. Peace and happiness are so commonplace in these relationships that if you aren't careful, you'll forget that you HAVE to pray HARD to stay that way.

And if your relationship hasn't quite reached it's "good and happy" place yet, or you aren't in a relationship, this blog is still for you!

The act of preemptive prayer is POWERFUL! Not only will it help you seize territory BEFORE the enemy does (which is why it's important to pray for your partner even before you know who he is), it can also restore a relationship in trouble. The key is though - that it can't do any of these things if we don't use it!


So, your first assignment is to START A CONVERSATION WITH GOD. It doesn't have to be formal and you don't have to be eloquent. Shoot, you don't even have to make sense! Just talk. Collaborate with him to take inventory of your love life. Surrender. Tell him you're tired of losing a war that you could have won if you'd have strategized properly. Tell him you want to be the Woman He intended you to be so that you can attract the Man He intended for you. And recognize that that doesn't always mean disconnecting from your current partner. It's probable that YOU'RE the cause of at least half of the contention you two experience...and that once you truly commit to being a Woman of God (humble, wise, and kind - Isaiah 66:2, Philippians 2:3-5; Proverbs 31:26), you'll give him the room to be the Man of God he's capable of being.